Keep It Down Now Voices Carry

I am learning that there are only certain people who I can trust with things in my life. I am also learning that sometimes most of the time it's better just to stay in my bubble and not worry about what other people are doing around me. I have also learned that when someones mind is made up about something I have done, regardless whether all the information is correct, it's better to just acknowledge my mistake rather than try to debate the issue. I am learning that there are a lot of things that need not be repeated to those around me who could say something to someone, who could say something to someone else and then have it get back to the wrong person. I find that I talk a lot. I have a lot to say. But, over the last week, I have been taught a valuable lesson about choosing my words carefully, accepting blame and remembering that I shouldn't say something to someone that I wouldn't say to their face. In recognizing those things I have also learned that sometimes you just have to not care what other people are doing, even though what you think they're doing might be wrong, because it might just all get misconstrued.

Random Randomness

It's amazing the noises I notice in my house when no one is around. I never realized just how loud my washing machine was until there were no little voices around to mute it, and now that I've noticed it the stupid thing needs to quiet down. I'm trying to watch Daisy of Love here!

The Marbles have been gone about a month now. I haven't figured out if it's a good thing or a bad thing that they don't miss me. Everyone seems to think it's a good thing, but what does it say about me that I don't miss them nearly as much as TGIM does? I like having my time to do what I want, when I want and how I want. I found that without the Marbles here I haven't kept up on the housework like I would have if they were around tearing things apart. Dishes have sat in the sink for two days in a row, which never happens when they're home. I feel like I am lazy all of a sudden. But, I justify it with the fact that when they are home neither TGIM nor I ever really get any breaks. There are no grandparents to pawn them off on, no friends that have kids too that do anything with me, no friends who they stay over at their house except for Blue but they always go over there on the weekends I work.

The Marbles being away has also given TGIM and I time to bond a little more. Normally, we are just passing each other in the kitchen briefing each other on the night before or the day to come never really taking a minute to just be in each others presence.

It will be three years at the beginning of August that we have lived down here. That time has gone by fast. I notice the midwestern accent a lot when I am talking on the phone to my friends and family up in Michigan and I wonder if I still have the accent? The Marbles no longer say "pop" or "tennis shoes"; instead it's "soda" and "sneakers". And little Yellow Marble will soon have lived in Florida longer than she had lived in Michigan which seems really strange to me! But, for having been down here this long and still maintaining all my friendship up north, I think I've finally adjusted to being here.... or maybe I've just accepted it. I am thankful that I have Blue to be the surrogate best friend or family member that I am lacking down here. He'll probably never realize just how much of an impact the stability of his friendship has had on my sanity down here.

I've missed out on some of life's biggest moments being down here. But, I just hope that the longer I am away the tighter the bond will grow. I also hope the Marbles will always know that Michigan held a lot of really great things for their parents and really wonderful memories, but our had to create a new normal and new memories for ourselves. I want them to always know that taking them away from those we loved brought their parents so much closer together. TGIM told me yesterday that his boss asked him if he loved living down here and TGIM told him that if it was a perfect world he'd live in the mountains of Colorado. Then a few hours later he went back into his boss' office and told him that he had thought about his question more and realized that if we hadn't moved down here TGIM and I would have been divorced. So, in that respect he does love living down here because it brought our family closer together. I have to agree with him, Florida has given us opportunities we would have never been given had we stayed in Michigan. So, I guess what I am trying to say is that if you are given the chance to do something or think that it might be time for a change, don't sit around waiting for it to fall in your lap. Go out and get it and take the risk.

My Grandpa

It has been a year this July 14th since my grandpa passed away. Words can't express how much I miss him and how many times I've wanted to call him and tell him about something that happened at my work because I know he'd understand the stresses of working in the law enforcement field. I have a picture of my grandpa on my refrigerator that I look at every day, several times a day, and the picture is placed next to the Recognitions and Awards I have received from work because I know he'd be proud of my accomplishments. I seem to find signs of my Grandpa everywhere around me. For example, there is a man who checks your receipt at my local Costco that looks EXACTLY like my Grandpa. I have been going to this particular Costco for years and had never seen the man there before. But, since my Grandpa has died he is the only one that has been there to check my receipt every time I leave the store. And the thing that reminds me most of my Grandpa that this man does is he carries around this small, home-made piece of plexi-glass so it's something he can use to place the receipt on to mark that the items have been paid and that piece of plexi-glass always makes me laugh because I think that if my Grandpa had had this job at Costco he would have totally used a piece of plexi-glass that he meticulously cut to fit a paper receipt using some old saw in his shed. That's just how my Grandpa was, though, always resourceful with all this scraps and gadgets in his shed: Mailboxes out of plumbing pipes, lawn ornaments out of scraps of plywood, pieces of elastic tied to old towels to use as sweatbands. I learned a lot from my Grandpa growing up especially how to be frugal with money. I can't help but think that perhaps God has placed the man at Costco there to check my receipt as a reminder to me that my Grandpa would be pretty upset if he knew I spent $25 on some rolls of toilet paper!!! :)

Hey, That's Right.. I Have A Blog

Since everyone is doing it, I figured I'd jump on the bandwagon and get a post in while people are posting on their websites.

Yesterday TGIM left for his week long adventure to become a Building Contractor in Florida. He has been studying for weeks for this test and now he is in the Orlando area taking a five day, ten hour course which concludes with a two day test. If When he passes, he will be able to proceed in his goal to become the owner of the company he works for when his boss retires. All that is just honky dory until you ask me and then you will see that it's not all rainbows and sunshine. No! You see, TGIM being gone means me being the lone adult in the house with three Marbles who at any given moment in the day find it necessary to bitch and complain about each other. Xanax helped me through the day today....so did going to see Up and having me fall asleep during it. What?????? The middle of the afternoon for me, is like the middle of the night for you! Cut me some slack wouldya?

I haven't done much hanging out with anyone as Blue has been grounded for the past few weeks for an episode that occurred at my house a few weekends ago. Ok, so maybe he's not grounded, but he's totally playing it safe by staying home more as to not ruffle any feathers on the home front. As it should be, I suppose. Friends always some second to family. Unless, of course, you're a friend of mine and then you're automatically part of my family whether you're blood related or not. I find that the folks I have met down here in Florida don't have that same philosophy. Must be a Michigan thing!

A woman I work with has taken a liking to quizzing me every few days with words that she doesn't know the definitions to. So far the words she has given me are: exude, antithesis, philanthropist. I knew what each one of them meant thankyouverymuch! I love words. The other night on Real World/Road World Challenge The Duel the challenge was a spelling bee... I spelled all the words right EXCEPT svelte. And had I written s-v-e-l-t on paper I would have know that it didn't look right but just busting out the word I got it wrong. I'll never forget how to spell it again.

Ok, well I just got up for the sixth time and yelled at Pink and Blue Marble for being idiots and not going to sleep. I must go take my Tylenol PM and crash!

Monday Afternoon Debriefing

I usually can settle down pretty quickly when I've had a chaotic night at work. It was ironic that I mentioned on a few occasion over the weekend that Sunday was going to be a good night because I was sitting the radio channel that I like and that Sundays on that channel are always busy. I wasn't expecting for my stomach to end up in my throat the majority of the night and then still have to manage to deal with several extremely high priority calls.

The people who listen to me on the radio are trained in their profession. My job is to make sure I am aware of where they are and get them the information they need until they can get to the scene and sort it out. Then from there, I need to make sure all the rest of the information is documented in the call. Essentially, there is a lot more to it than that, but it's basically just relying information back and forth. I have said before that my job is like starting to read a book but only getting to the middle of the book and then not finishing it. You never get to hear the end of these stories.

I have friends or people I talk to in every district that I work, but the majority of them are in the district I had last night, including Blue. I know Blue very well. I know how he is at his job and even when he had the incident several months ago when he had to fight off two people, I was confident that the other people were going to be more fucked up than he was. I won't get into all the details of last night, but there was a struggle. Blue came over the radio entirely out of breath and then I got a call of an armed robbery unrelated to Blue's call and I had to switch gears and dedicate my concentration to that call while other dispatchers handled Blue's situation. (It's called Emergency Traffic and it's when a high priority situation comes in you dedicate the radio to that incident and all other units on other calls go to another dispatcher until I clear the radio.) I was making sure all the units were on perimeter. We had another agency helping and it was just a lot to handle but I was doing it and then the dispatcher who took over my channel while I was on the robbery says, "Do you know Blue was transported to the hospital?"

Anytime a unit goes to the hospital the mood of the comm center changes, but here it's my buddy and I'm on a robbery and I have no idea what is wrong with him. She tells me he has injuries to his head and hand and that's all I know..... but, I can't deal with that right now because i have about 40 officers that need my full attention on the robbery call and i have to do my job even though I feel like I can't breathe. It's a stress and an anxiety one will never experience until they do this job.

In the end, everything worked out fine. Blue is fine. The victim in the robbery was fine. the bad guys in the robbery got away unfortunately, but the guy Blue was fighting with got his face shoved into the pavement. So... it's all good. I think?

Plastic Passion

Unless you have been significantly overweight, it's hard to fully understand the feelings a person endures when looking at themselves in the mirror. I can only speak for myself when I say being overweight sucked! I was looking at some before pictures that i was taking of myself when I first started losing this weight back in late 2005 and it's amazing how far i've come. We are well into 2009, and I am still not at my goal. But, to me it's ok because knowing that I have been able to lose weight over the course of these three and a half years and not gain it back means I will most likely be able to maintain it for the long haul.

May 5th I am going to see a plastic surgeon to talk about a tummy tuck. After having three children and having lost almost 100 lbs, my stomach looks and feels like pizza dough. I am constantly tucking it into my clothing because I don't want a muffin top, but then i end up with this roll under my clothing. I see it wiggle and jiggling when I walk and it's a nuisance when I work out because it rubs on the side of my thigh causing irritation. Plastic surgery is something that is purely for cosmetic reason, however, I feel like I have gotten this far in achieving my weight loss goal that the final step is to remove the reminder of what I was like for many years.

I want to have this surgery for me. I have had three pregnancies and taken care of my Marbles and TGIM for years now and I feel it's my turn to do something for myself. At this point, the only thing that will stop me is the inability to pay for this procedure. There are many different ways I can go about paying for it and I have researched them and I feel like once I have the meeting with the doctor I will be able to choose the right method that best suits me and won't interrupt the finances of our family.

I am excited and nervous about this but it's something that I have talked about doing since I started losing weight and I am ready to embark on getting my body back to the one I recognize and NOT the one that reminds me I used to not be able to fit into a seat on a roller coaster.

finally... a post

No, I didn't get sucked into ocean by some crazy current and then get eaten by a shark.

No, I didn't get eaten by an alligator while walking down the road.

I haven't been admitted into the hospital for a panic attack after swimming in water populated by hundreds of other people.

I was with my friends, Bitches!!!!

I had the ultimate weekend with August visiting me. But, to top that off and it wasn't easy to do, Sash showed up Saturday night and it was Girls Night in Florida. Like, when does this ever happen??? Never!!!! I was over the moon to have both my girls here with me that night. I can't even describe how much it meant to me. I have lived down here almost three years and I still miss them something fierce. To have both of them sitting on my lanai, right across from me, laughing and joking around was incredible. I wanted time to stand still. I wanted to relish in those moments and freeze time to whenever I walked out onto my lanai they were there.

August's visit was so much fun. She's one of those friends that I can just sit there and be quiet with or act goofy around. I hated seeing her go and I cried so hard I could barely breathe. Living down here has its advantages, but overall it sucks not having my friends and family around. I think it's just something I'm never going to fully be able to move beyond.

Hold Those Marbles Close

I go into work everyday and often say that I check my heart at the door. We have to be prepared to deal with the worst of the worst and still manage to be able to dispatch the next call to the next person who needs help with poise and composure. Recently there have been two cases in our community where children have been abused by their daycare workers. In one instance, the father of a little girl was so distraught that the person responsible for violating his child wasn't being apprehended fast enough that he showed up at headquarters in the middle of the night demanding to talk to someone, anyone that could help him so he didn't take matters into his own hands.

I can't imagine what that would feel like to trust your child to someone then have them so horribly violated that you are filled with rage to the point where you're willing to kill. Then, I watched the news this morning and the memorial for Sandra Cantu is today. She is the eight year old girl who went missing in California a few weeks ago and her body was found in a suitcase in a drainage ditch. The person charged for her murder and rape is a female sunday school teacher. I was surprised when an arrest was made in that case that a woman was responsible for her murder. You just don't see it often that a female would so brutally harm a child. The news was showing pictures of this little girl and I started getting choked up because she could have been anyone's child. They were showing pictures of her with a horse stuffed animal, her school pictures, pictures of her on christmas day. Then they showed her little casket in a horse drawn carriage and the tears welled up in my eyes.

I can deal with the domestic fighting, the drug related shootings, the car accidents that cause a fatality but when kids are involved and they subsequently die at the hands of an adult, I get pissed. It makes you wonder if your children are ever really safe. Do you really know who is teaching your children? Who is caring for them after school? Who is driving their bus? Who is serving them their lunch? I'd like to think I do, but do I?

Blue Marble and the Blanket

Old habits are hard to break. No one knows that more than Blue Marble. One week ago we told her she had to put her beloved blanket in my hope chest and she has had a hell of a time getting over her habit of sucking on it.

Blue Marble was born with GERD. We didn't know it was GERD until she was about eight months old at which time we were able to properly medicate her and ease the pain her stomach caused. Before that, though, she would cry incessantly. All day, all night were scream wails that pierced our ears and nothing TGIM and I could do would soothe her. The only thing that seemed to calm her was sucking on her blanket. There would be days when she was just a few weeks old where I'd go in the room to check on her and the blanket would be shoved so far down her throat you'd think it would have choked her. But, apparently it help with the reflux and it was a habit that lasted up until last week.

The dentist has been telling us that she needs to stop sucking on her blanket and deep down I knew we needed to get rid of it, but i also knew that Blue Marble isn't someone who just easily gives up on things. She is hard-headed, independent, determined and a fighter. I knew she would stop at nothing to prevent us from taking the blanket from her. So, I told her we were going to have a going away party for it and last sunday we did and we put the blanket away. She has cried for it pretty much every day. And these aren't the boo hoo cries of an eight year old who misses their cherished blanket. Oh no! These are the tantrum throwing, back arching, ear piercing, window shattering, fingernails on a chalkboard cries that linger in the air for minutes. They're coupled with fish flailing, feet stomping antics that are aggravating as well as heart-breaking. You see, I once had a blanket too. I once sucked my fingers. And Blue Marble never forgets to remind me that I had my blanket until I was 21! (thanks a lot Wobega!!)

TGIM promised her if she did good she would get an iPod. For the last two days she fell asleep without her blanket and without causing the entire area of southwest florida to wake up because she was fiending. So, she got her iPod today. But, just hours ago a fit ensued and we were back to hearing the pleas of a child who so desperately wants to be able to pacify herself in the only way she's known how to since birth!

Birds and the Bees and Oh My God I Scarred Her For Life

Pink Marble is nine. Nine and a quarter if you ask her. But, she has the brain of a teenager. And, I am not necessarily referring to her attitude. I just mean, overall, she is much more intelligent than your average nine year old girl. So, when the question, "Mom, what is a tampon?" was thrown at me by her, I wasn't surprised. I answered back with, "Where did you hear that word?" She told me she had read it on a box in my bathroom. (Of course she did.) I sat down with her and had the period talk. I tried to be as simple as possible with her and just explained the female reproductive system which isn't easy to explain in simple terms. I tried to get her to understand that girls have eggs, but they're not like the eggs you buy in a store and they don't really do anything until their fertilized but I didn't say "fertilized" because then I'd have to explain what that meant. So, I then referred to the eggs as cells but she looked at me with a blank stare. So, I tried to tell her that each month you when you get older you bleed but that grossed her out so I tried to make it all sound better by telling her that if there is a baby in your belly then you don't bleed but FUCK, now she's going to get knocked up so she doesn't bleed. Seriously, changing diapers and pushing around a double stroller through the narrow aisles of the Children's Place was wayyyyy easier than this.

So, I did what any high tech internet savvy mom would do. I went to Amazon.com and bought a book about it. I got the American Girl Doll version of the body book and we started reading that. It touches base on everything from not sharing brushes because you could get lice, to shaving your arm pits, to your period to being confident in the body you were given. But, where's the chapter that explains sex? Oh yea, it's not there! And while we are reading the part about the period, I get the question.... "Well how do you get a baby in your belly" SHHHIIITTTT!!!!!!

The mom and dad do the duty and if he hits the target.. bam you're preggers... but dont' do it until you're at least 30!

Wait.. I didn't say it like that. I explained very simplistic and basic and she was completely grossed out and hasn't asked me about it again. THANK GOD. I think I have scarred her for life and I just know she will probably never come to me again with any question like that and now she is going to find out what blowjobs, handjobs, french kissing and all that other stuff is from her slutty friends.

I'm locking the Marbles in their room until they're 25!